How Can Couples Learn To Fight Fair

This article originally appeared on on May 14, 2015

Conflict is growth trying to happen.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together. At some point in your marriage , you hit a road block that sets you and your partner back.

Just when you think the worst of the storm is over, another MAJOR issue comes crashing in.

Nowadays, all you do is fight. You have more days when your marriage resembles a battlefield than not.

It's hard not wondering whether or not this will be the argument that finally tears you apart.

So is there a way that you can take arguments with your spouse less personally?

Here's the thing. Even the best couples have fights. The fantasy of the perfect couple, and perfect life is just that: a fantasy.

We get it. When you're stuck in the heat of the moment, it isn't easy to see clearly.

Though it may seem impossible for you two to resolve your problems, the truth is that it IS possible.

So we brought this super important matter to our experts. YourTango's Founder/CEO Andrea Miller , Imago Institute's Harville Hendrix and Helen Lakelly Hunt , Cindy Cartee , LPC, Christine Wilke , LMFT and Cheryl Gerson , LCSW discuss ways that couples can fight without truly hurting each other.

Christine raises an excellent point about the real reason we get into fights.

At 1:33 , she says "When you're interacting with your spouse, a lot of the past experiences influence that. When the response is especially exaggerated, I think it's important to remember that it might have more to do with something in the past, a trigger from the past than it has to do with your spouse."

Ask yourself this question: Do you constantly rehash old arguments?

Before you react, think about what exactly is the real issue at hand. Helen said it best when she mentions that "People think [fighting is] taboo. They don't want to do it. But Harville and I think fighting is an opportunity for growth. And we say conflict is growth trying to happen."

You can both learn to fight fair. It's just a matter of getting into the mentality that lover's spat shouldn't end with one person as the victor.

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