Couple Therapy & Communication: Tolerating What’s Hard to Hear
You’ve probably been told that essential element for good communication is listening. Actually, it’s “active listening” that’s recommended, which means, being able to accurately restate what’s been said to you.
It goes something like this: One person – the message sender - speaks to the other for a prescribed period of time; and, the message receiver, in his or her own words, repeats what he or she thought was being said. The message sender then coaches the receiver until the receiver can clearly express the meaning of the sender’s message. Then the roles reverse. The aim is to be certain that each person really understands what the other person feels, thinks and means.
It’s a useful exercise. People are often surprised by how much they unintentionally distort the meaning of what others are saying.
However, the really hard part of meaningful and successful communication is being able to tolerate (understand without distortion) messages that one doesn’t want, or like, to hear. It’s especially difficult to tolerate intense negative emotion along with words that hurt.
Therefore, listening to and tolerating uncomfortable “truths”- without being defensive or aggressive yourself - takes emotional strength and self-confidence, especially when the other person is “venting” about matters about which you are sensitive. Most of all, it requires accepting that what someone else believes or feels is “true” – is “true” for that person. It is his or her truth – whether you like it or not.
So, pause and listen. If you want to be successful at interpersonal communication, conflict resolution and be proud of yourself for dealing thoughtfully with difficult situations, you have to wait to respond – while you “stand your ground”. No retreating. No shaking your head in disagreement. No trying to correct the sender’s message. You’ll get your turn to express your “truth” when the other person calms down.
A neutral posture and expression while standing or sitting is best. That pause before you respond gives you an opportunity to quiet your own emotions as you engage the thinking and decision-making parts of your brain. When your times come, you could say something like this: “I had no idea that that’s how you feel and that’s what you believe. I don’t feel or think that way at all. Do you want to know what I think and feel about this?”
Good communication requires so much more than active listening. It requires emotional strength, self-confidence, and a desire to be effective, not just expressive.
I know it’s not easy when uncomfortable truths are accompanied by strong emotion. But a mature, healthy person can do it.
If you’d like to tap your potential for being the person you’d like to be, let me know!
Donna Kimmel, PhD
Seeing patients virtually from Bethesda, MD to DC, Maryland & Northern VA.
240-277-4427
[email protected]