I like the patterns. I look for ways to make things fit. That’s probably why I’m a fan of numerology, astrology, and other personality profiling tools, not just for myself, but as a tool I use to help my clients. In social work, we have “tools” to help us do thorough assessments. To assess clients’ needs, for evaluation of progress and for referrals to name a few. And I’ve gotten good at explaining, answering the why’s of how come things are in upheaval, what to do to navigate transitions and transformations. And yet here I am, as numerology would explain in a year 9, therefore it’s all about letting go and releasing, etc. Dealing with so many messy feelings and situations I’d really rather not be in. I’m confronted with feelings of failure to get the results I’ve strived for, to have the relationships be where I would like them to be, to have my life be somehow “more” then what it is, identities within myself falling away. Holy cow! These are not feelings I like to admit to, let alone feel. The roles of counselor, minister and coach seem to demand an image of “I’ve got this!” The truth is different on the inside at times. It’s not to say I doubt my abilities, so much as I haven’t really allowed myself to spend time with all my shadows. The resentments, fear, vulnerability, frustration, anger, sadness and so on that the unknown and uncertainty bring are powerful teachers.
Have you ever had a teacher you really couldn’t stand because they refused to let you give less of yourself and talents? They call you on your bullshit (and yes, oh yes, we all have it!) and don’t buy your excuses? They demand that you move out of your comfort zone and give something more of yourself but in the end, you come to respect them because they care enough to push you to do better? Well, uncertainty and all those shadows I just mentioned are those teachers. Shaken and stirred baby! Raw and intense!
My brain does not allow me to compartmentalize any of this. It’s a big open concept room in here! And this gives me so much compassion for the clients I’ve had who have turned to distractions and looking for ways to numb the intensity of these teachers. It’s a lot to digest and it’s visceral and demands that we honor our process. In this fast-paced crazy world, sometimes things have to come crashing in on us before we deal. We may lose marriages, custody of our children, our job, homes, health, etc for us to take time to be with ourselves. Sometimes we don’t deal. We ignore and hope things will be resolved on their own. Resolution can only happen if we wake up and do the work of wholeness. Of owning all those silenced and buried parts of ourselves. Is it time for some deep diving in your life? I’m off to do my own deep diving… Catch you on the down low!