“Are you getting divorced?” It’s one of the most wrenching questions a child or teen can ask, and sometimes the answer will be “Yes.”
Divorce causes plenty of upheaval in families, especially for kids who feel like their parents are divorcing them, not each other. A family counselor can talk to your kids about divorce in age-appropriate ways and reassure them that their parents love them and will still be in their lives.
Think About How to Break the News
Psychologists agree that when, where, and how a child is told about divorce impacts his or her reaction. They also agree that divorce will never be something your child “gets over”; they may never fully accept the marriage’s end and may always see the divorce as traumatic. With this in mind, you and your spouse must work to agree on how to break the news. Do so together, as gently and honestly as possible.
Additionally, don’t make one child responsible for bearing the news. In other words, don’t tell your oldest children but shield the younger ones. This sends the message that younger children can’t handle hearing the truth. It also places the burden on older children to keep secrets and protect their younger siblings in ways only adults should.
Answer Their Questions
When going through a divorce, be prepared for plenty of tough questions. Don’t tell your kids everything will be okay; divorce is never an “okay” situation. Also, don’t say, “This is for adults to worry about.” If your kids are asking, they’re already worried and deserve answers. Be prepared to answer questions like who will live where, when the kids will see both parents, if holidays will be the same, and how this will affect school and extracurricular activities.
Use Words They Understand
Age-appropriateness is a major consideration when telling kids about divorce. Babies and toddlers (ages 2 and 3) will be too young to fully understand, so there’s no need to burden them with all the implications. For young children, use phrases like, “Mom and Dad still love you. We just don’t love each other.” With older children, you can talk a little bit about why you chose to divorce (for example, “We’re having some problems we can’t work out and it’s best we don’t live together”).
Additional Resources:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-older-dad/201105/mom-and-dad-have-something-tell-you-six-tips-talking-kids-about-divorce